Immediately after the break in, I had all these “you only live once” moments. One of those moments led to me registering for a half marathon. Another one of those moments sent me on a spending spree that included a pricey pair of Justin Timberlake tick
Money well spent if you ask me.
Ryan was my hot date. We danced, we sang, we enjoyed a night out together. That there is priceless.
But the concert felt a little tainted. Like it was an extension of the break in. I spent a good portion of the night thinking about the incident. Which leads me to the next topic, how I’m coping.
Well, I have started seeing a therapist. We talk about anything and everything but mostly focus on my feelings related to the break in. Want to know how I feel?
I’m pissed.
As a lady, I prefer to use the word livid, but that doesn’t truly describe the way I feel and I am seldom described as a lady. I AM PISSED!
I am angry because this man, who tried to attack me, who came into my safe space, who seems to have no remorse or understanding of the crime he committed, is forever a part of my life.
I have changed. My life has changed. I will always be more fearful, more cautious, have triggers that cause anxiety or panic. No matter what I do, he will always have a place in my life and that just pisses me off.
So, with my therapist, I am learning to cope. In fact, according to her, I have already done a pretty descent job of coping on my own. That makes me feel empowered. It’s like, sure, I have these feelings and they suck, but they are mine and I am in charge.
So what are my triggers? Well that depends. Over Easter vacation, we were visiting my brother in North Carolina. I opened the door to our house from my cell phone, letting in my contractor. I absolutely trust this man, but the thought of having someone in my home without me there caused incredible anxiety and it effected a good chunk of my day.
Another trigger, Gus and Lola. If it is night time and those two start barking at a door or a window, I lose it. Especially if I am home alone.
That’s a funny one though, cause even though he can contribute to my anxiety with reckless barking, Gus is also the thing that has made me feel the most secure in my home. Go figure.
With time, it has all gotten better. I used to fear going from my car to the back door of the house at night. I would circle the neighborhood, waiting for Ryan to get home before I would pull in to the driveway. I don’t do that anymore but, who knows, maybe when it gets darker sooner I will have the same issue again.
It’s all going to take time. I am in the process of grieving. Grieving the loss of the happily, delightfully and beautifully naive person I used to be. Right now, I am stuck in “anger” but with time and help, I will one day get to a place of “acceptance.”
Until then, here are a few pictures that put me in a very happy place.
With love from Detroit,
Callie
